I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
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ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please