I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
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I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story