We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
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when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
All excellent questions
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader: