What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
You Might Also Like
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
is this a warning or an offer?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you