Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.