I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
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Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Education is vital
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
is nasa ok
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
😂😂😂
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!