I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
You Might Also Like
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Dance like you’re not the father
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying