As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
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*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead