When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
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Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Hmm, not sure about this change
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”