My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
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Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
accurate
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me