No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
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There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY