“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
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[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess