imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
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Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.