Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo