Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Holy moly
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.