I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Only Americans understand
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.