*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I hate my earbuds.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I have two kinds of followers
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.