The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
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[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you