Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
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[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”