How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.