What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
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Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
New favorite tiktok
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
found my next D&D character name
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.