Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
You Might Also Like
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I need better friends
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Strange
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation