Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
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You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
somebody come look at this
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Netflix and you sit over there.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.