Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
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I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
idk what he going thru but i feel him
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.