What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
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If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
When you kidnap a writer.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].