*limbos away from your hug*
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the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it