Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
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But I really needed water water water
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
🙀🙀🙀😹
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.