If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
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7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀