No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
You Might Also Like
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams