Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
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Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
you will never know the true number of layers
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”