If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
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Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
This trial is so absurd 😭
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.