[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
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Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Anyone want a chair?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?