Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Breaking news:
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.