I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.