“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
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I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
no refunds
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Breaking news:
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.