Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
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I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭