Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
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Jurassic park gets weird
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.