I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!