“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
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[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?