what the hell pray for carter everyone
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.