Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone