I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
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With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
There are usually two types of merchants.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁