Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
just having fun
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct