*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
This why you should mind your business
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
The funk soul brother
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.