“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
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he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
🤣
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on