Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
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[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.