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My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Every work meeting this week
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M