*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
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It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.