[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
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My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Hmm, not sure about this change
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me irl
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked