Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.